I was gonna post this in tonight’s Lightning Round, but it took too much space, so it gets its own short post.
This is what happens when a women is slutty prior to marriage. Be warned:
Q. Disconnected From Husband After Orgasm: Please help. I love my husband. He is affectionate, interesting, smart, and even does his share of the housework. The only problem is in bed. Although I usually orgasm during sex with him, instead of feeling emotional satisfaction and closeness afterward, I feel sad and disconnected. With past boyfriends, I always felt the rush of “bonding” chemicals, even when I didn’t want to. What could be going wrong now? And please, don’t bother to suggest couples counseling. My husband would be crushed if he knew.
A: Fake it. Not your orgasm, because you’re fortunate to have one, fake those bonding feelings. Reach out to your husband, hug and stroke him. Engaging in this ritual could reorient your feelings and lift you out of your temporary sadness. What you’re experiencing is not at all unusual. The French call it “la petite mort,” describing the feeling of melancholy that sometimes descends post-orgasm. Just knowing you are not alone, and that you can act close even if you don’t feel it, might be enough to get you past this.
Social Pathologist has some stats/science here, here, here, and here.
Edit: Highlighting something I almost missed, but should really emphasize: “What you’re experiencing is not at all unusual.” This is not just one women, this is a pattern.
Yes indeed, FN, her “past boyfriends” have thrown a spanner in her “emotional” works.
Extremely sad. There is nothing nicer than laying arm in arm with your spouse in the afterglow of lovemaking.. That feeling of oneness and deep spiritual connection as you drift off into a contented sleep together..Bliss!
This woman has probably done irreparable damage to her ability to bond.
If only this message was getting through to young women,..
Slut it up at your own peril!
However, if you do wish to slut it up, Svar’s always here.
Impending divorce in 3.. 2..
Or, if she had been honest, she fucked around with alphas and settled with a beta and every time she has sex with him it feels hollow. Soon she will be recoiling at his touch.
Kids, don’t marry washed up carousel riders.
On the other hand, if you cut out the clit, surgically or psychologicall, she won’t orgasm either. So young marriage is the only solution.
As Rollo has written, “genuine desire cannot be negotiated” and as Alpha Game has written, “women love beta traits but are not turned on by them”. More here: http://3rdmilleniummen.wordpress.com/2012/09/20/manosphere-become-a-better-man/
“women love beta traits but are not turned on by them”
Well, this woman is obviously turned on because she orgasms.. She also says she loves her husband.. So she obviously desires him.
The emotional satisfaction afterward…. The bonding, is what she is missing due to having previous boyfriends.
This has nothing to do with the man being Alpha or Beta, here.
Good post, FN.
I’m noticing an increase in certain women on manosphere blogs insisting that premarital sluttery isn’t a big deal; that there’s no real bonding taking place; and that a woman can easily leave behind a man she has sex with.
What’s going on with this woman is that she is either (1) an alpha widow or (2) has had sex with so many different men that she can’t bond with her husband.
The fact that she orgasms doesn’t mean she’s turned on. It means her clitoris has been stimulated enough to bring her to climax.
Her SAYING she loves her husband doesn’t mean she actually DOES love her husband, nor does it mean she desires him sexually.
Out of curiosity, how do you know the problem stems from past promiscuity and not from something else?
Also, does this apply to men who were slutty in the past as well?
“The fact that she orgasms doesn’t mean she’s turned on. It means her clitoris has been stimulated enough to bring her to climax. ”
No, I think that’s an oversimplification, Deti.
The woman says she loves her husband. She therefore desires him. Climax is evidence of that. The woman is asking for advice. What is the point of her saying she loves her husband if she does not?(She is after all, anonymous)
You can stimulate a woman’s clit until the cows cum home, but she will NOT orgasm with a man she has no feeling or desire for. (UInless she can fantasize that he is someone else) It’s not simply a case of stimulation.
It’s what is going on in a woman’s head that makes all the difference here. It’s been said that the greatest sex organ is the brain. It’s true, especially for women.
Many women cannot /do not orgasm because they have other things on their mind that they can’t block out. These can override enjoyment of sex.
Bear in mind that if all it took was clitoral stimulation a whole lot more women would be having orgasms ALL of the time.
The truth is that there are some women who will never orgasm, no matter how stimulated they are. Others will orgasm infrequently, no matter how stimulated they are. Others (a small cohort) will almost always orgasm. Then there are others who need to use a vibrator. I know of one woman who only climaxes alone with her vibrator.. No matter how much her husband manually stimulates her, she never climaxes. Of course it’s all in her head.. Too many years of using a vibrator IMO.
Then there are the fakers.. There are more of them around than you would imagine.
Having spoken to many many women over the years I can tell you I have been surprised at how many have said that they fake it or have never ever had an orgasm before. Very sad.
And from personal experience, I can say, that having learnt to switch off over the years (phone ringing, kids making noises , doorbell ringing etc..)and focus entirely on lovemaking with my husband, that the orgasms are a breeze.
I can be thinking about my husband during the day send him a few risque text messages, he comes home for a quickie and it’s all over in 5-10 minutes. (it’s called time management. :) ).
The anticipation is the foreplay. Thoughts going through my head as I send my husband a sexy text..So, that by the time my husband gets home, I am ready to drag him off to the bedroom.
And I have also orgasmed without any clitoral stimulation at all. i.e through reading something of an erotic nature(I don’t read that kind of stuff now. Obviously as a Christian I was commiting a sin..) Or just thinking about my husband..
Of course I deeply love my husband.. Thoughts of sex with any other man, leave me cold.
That’s the beauty and joy of sharing a deep physical and spiritual bond.
Something that woman will probably never know due to her promiscuity before marriage…
I feel very sorry for her husband.
“You can stimulate a woman’s clit until the cows cum home, but she will NOT orgasm with a man she has no feeling or desire for. (UInless she can fantasize that he is someone else) It’s not simply a case of stimulation.”
Thank you. It’s nice to know someone actually understands this about women’s sexuality.
@ Ashley:
“Out of curiosity, how do you know the problem stems from past promiscuity and not from something else?”
Did you even read the article?
“With past boyfriends, I always felt the rush of “bonding” chemicals, even when I didn’t want to.”
Katmandutu talks to a few women and relates her own experience, and all of a sudden she’s an expert on female sexuality. OK. Sure. /sarc off
@ AShley:
“Also, does this apply to men who were slutty in the past as well?”
You so badly want complete and total equality between men and women. You so badly want men and women to be exactly the same. You so badly want men to be just as debilitated by promiscuity as women.
You proceed from a faulty premise. There is no such thing as a male slut. Only women can be sluts. Men can be promiscuous, but not sluts. Men are more geared by their psychology and physiology toward promiscuous behavior than women.
Men don’t have nearly the problem with pair bonding after multiple partners that women do. You don’t see men writing in to Dear Prudence talking about how they can’t bond to their wives because they had sex with other women before they got married.
Instead you see flummoxed women wondering why they just don’t feel all the good after-sex feelings they used to feel with other men, for the man she settled with after cockhopping for a few years. The answer is because she let too many men have her, bonded to too many men, and now she is having a hard time bonding to the one man who WOULD marry her. Quite simply, she let too many dicks into her body.
Men by and large don’t have this problem, specifically a reduction of pair bonding ability because of past bonding to prior sex partners.
@ Kat:
“The woman says she loves her husband. She therefore desires him. Climax is evidence of that. The woman is asking for advice. What is the point of her saying she loves her husband if she does not?(She is after all, anonymous)”
Gimme a freakin break. So what if she’s anonymous? Her husband doesn’t turn her on and she doesn’t feel close to him after sex. She feels absolutely terrible about that. She knows it’s because of the previous BFs she had and how much she felt close to them, but not him. She feels even worse about the fact that she wants her previous BFs more than she wants her husband. This woman is saying she loves her husband to take the edge off her feelings of extreme guilt and regret over having screwed men and being a slut before getting married. She feels terrible because she knows she’s hurting a good man and there’s nothing she can do about that.
“You can stimulate a woman’s clit until the cows cum home, but she will NOT orgasm with a man she has no feeling or desire for. (UInless she can fantasize that he is someone else) It’s not simply a case of stimulation.”
It’s what is going on in a woman’s head that makes all the difference here. It’s been said that the greatest sex organ is the brain. It’s true, especially for women.”
Then she is probably fantasizing that her husband is someone else or fantasizing about someone or something else. She won’t report that because she feels terrible about that too.
“Katmandutu talks to a few women and relates her own experience, and all of a sudden she’s an expert on female sexuality. OK.”
And Deti, (not deity) spouts nonsense like the following (and he’s a man mind you)
“The fact that she orgasms doesn’t mean she’s turned on. It means her clitoris has been stimulated enough to bring her to climax. ”
And all of a sudden HE’S an expert on female sexuality. OK.
Ah, so, not having a clit yourself.. Just a wife and experience with very few women, you know all about it then, eh? ;)
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah, what would any woman know ?
Ignore Ashley’s comment, because it contradicts what you say.
Channeling TFH here! :)
This is the same guy who thinks ALL women marry a guy for status and money..
Just a case of sour grapes on your part. I have long thought that you were a fool whose head has become a tad too big because a few (in the manosphere) deigned to heap praise on your undeserving head.
You should have chosen your OWN spouse more carefully.
Right, Kat.
I am not the only one who has noted that women have behaved this way. Others have too. My personal experience is not unique. You seem to believe my writing is simply projection. If it were, my experience would be singular and sui generis. It is not.
So your ad hominem attack is useless. You resort to it only because you know I am right. You can’t attack the message, so you take aim at the messenger.
“Out of curiosity, how do you know the problem stems from past promiscuity and not from something else?”
Deti already answered this, she basically says so in her letter.
“Also, does this apply to men who were slutty in the past as well?”
Yes, to a degree, but not to the extent that it does for women.
Roissy has talked about the Player’s Curse before:
http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2012/06/07/the-curse-of-the-player/
Social Pathologist looked at the data and came to this conclusion:
“I’ve got to rush out to work but briefly, The 2002 NSFG does have data on men, and yes, the more promiscuous the man, the higher the risk of divorce.
Though, it appears that the each partner a man has increases his risk of divorce to a lesser degree than that of a woman. The double standard appears to be real.”
http://socialpathology.blogspot.ca/2010/09/sexual-partner-divorce-risk.html?showComment=1284588496479#c1541486553283207304
“You so badly want complete and total equality between men and women. You so badly want men and women to be exactly the same. You so badly want men to be just as debilitated by promiscuity as women.”
You don’t know what I want. I’m asking because I’m trying to understand povs around here, but in my own terms. I’m new here so I am still just trying to get familiar with views that are shared.
Are you say that you don’t think that men can contribute to problematic issues in their relationships due to past promiscuity of their own? That a man’s promiscuity can not possibly damage his future relationships with women in any way?
Ashley:
“Are you say that you don’t think that men can contribute to problematic issues in their relationships due to past promiscuity of their own?”
Perhaps men’s past promiscuity can cause problems, but not nearly as much, nor as often, nor to the same degree as women’s past promiscuity.”
“That a man’s promiscuity can not possibly damage his future relationships with women in any way?”
Not nearly as much. Men don’t seem to have as great a problem with this, mostly because men are much, much more sexually available to women than women are to men.
Does anyone here think there is anything to the notion that there are some women who have sex with alphas, then when The Wall looms, decide to marry betas who are willing to marry them? Susan Walsh disagrees, saying that since women can earn their own money, they don’t NEED to marry men they aren’t attracted to and it doesn’t make any sense.
The story this woman tells is consistent with this phenomenon. She says she had sex with prior boyfriends and felt the bonding, but doesn’t with her husband.
I say it’s real. Susan Walsh says it is not, because she hasn’t seen it discussed anywhere outside the manosphere.
What say FN readers?
I think some do, but they do not think of it that way. In most of the examples I’ve seen of this happening, the women rationalized it with learning from their past or what not.
Walsh’s reason for rejection would be flawed, as there are numerous other reasons for marrying someone you might not be fully attracted to than financial support, such as the social status of marriage, companionship, “baby rabies”, etc.
Okay, I’m gonna go off the rails here and give a minority opinion : Good post, but…..BUT.: Whats with all this modern freaking obsession about orgasms and sex-life? Sure, it’s great and all – but if I had a relationship dependant on orgasms I would do some HEAVY soul-searching to find out why I was such a shallow creature, and such a slave under my desires.
There ARE in fact other things that matter, or at least used to matter, to people. The day my life and relations depend mostly on chemical reactions is the day I admit of being nothing but an animal. Here are some things people could try in their relationships (assuming they find a partner who actually thinks the same) :
– Co-operation
– Honorable acting
– Mild-temperedness
– For men : Act strong, be trustable, reliable. Stand tall in all you do.
– For women : Be caring about your man, your children, and those around you. Act principled, act kind, act motherly.
For my grandparents, marriage was a contract of sharing your lives until death do you apart. The may have quarreled, but they never fought. They knew their roles, and they liked them. They strived for a better and more pleasent everyday-life. They engaged in social activities, they sought for truth, value, and beauty in their lives.
And they would have never degraded themselves or their view of relationships to talk about something as hollow and temporal as orgasms,.
The real damage of sluttiness is, imho, the same for men and women. It makes them purposeless animals searching for the next thing to hump, and poor excuses for human beings.
But yes, for those who are satisfied of living a life of the flesh and never be interested in higher values or ideals, I would admit that the damage to women is probably larger than that to men. It’s simple biology.
Climax can occur from feeling sexually helpless too, as by being overtaken by unavoidable stimulation. Just mentioning that for those saying only attraction resulted in each orgasm.