No woman they could meet at the coffee shop or on the church camping trip could possibly compete with these perfectly toned, perfectly undemanding models.
That quote comes from a First Things article (H/T: CC) about men who game instead of work and get married. This claim that women are competing with porn comes up a lot from feminists, women, and conservative commentators. I know this particular commentor is male, but I’ve seen it many times before from females as well.
This claim always stuck me as odd. Why would real women, living beings of flesh and blood divinely molded to be beuatiful, think they’re competing with digital masturbation aids? Even odder, why do so many women think this is a difficult competition and that they are losing to a collection of moving pixels?
Let’s unpack it.
The first thing this claim presupposes is that the only method of competition for men women have is sex. Porn provides sexual release and little else; by making the claim women are competing and losing to porn, one is making the claim that women have nothing to offer but sex. Supposing (falsely) for a moment porn provided a far superior sexual experience to actual sex, there are still many areas a real woman could compete where a video and a fleshlight, or even a full-fledged futuristic sexdoll, couldn’t.
This gets back to what I’ve mentioned before. A real women can offer many things beyond sex that no porn could hope to match: kindness, sympathy, comfort, joyfulness, beauty, encouragement, submissiveness, softness, feeling like a man, a warm home, a good meal, a family, etc. These all require inner beauty, which feminism is actively trying to destroy. With feminine virtues being all but destroyed, sexiness is all that’s left. The tough, independent, argumentative, “intelligent”, high moxie, career-oriented failed-man-with-tits has nothing to offer a man but sexiness.
I can see feminists fearing competition from sexbots, but conservatives and Christians should know better, and teach their young women feminine virtues that will attract a man.
This claim presupposes is that porn is competitive with real sex with a real woman. While I’ve mentioned before the incentives against marriage and that masturbating into future sexbots may be superior to normal masturbation, no sex, or sex with unattractive fatties, all things being equal sex is better than masturbation by a very wide margin. There might be a couple addicts out there who prefer porn, but the vast majority of men would rather have sex.
Porn is an inferior substitute good for sex. If porn is competing with women over providing sexual release to men, something is definitely wrong. The most likely explanation is that there is no competition, because the man’s sexual needs aren’t being provided for in this because he can not obtain a wife or girlfriend (or in marriage, because his wife is not providing). Relatedly, he might have been burned in this area by women (or his wife) in the past and have given up on trying to obtain sex. The next most likely is obesity, men many might choose porn over sex with someone fat if fatties were all he could get or if his wife was fat. After that, it’s that the man is a perverted porn addict.
In neither of the first three cases are women competing with porn: they’re either not competing or they’re competing with their own poor habits. I think the last case is likely rare; I know of few men who would choose porn over even an average young girl for sex, 3DPD jokes aside.
Next, the claim of “perfectly-toned” girls, is missing the mark. From what I am given to understand (I can’t remember where I read it, possibly 28 Sherman), the porn business model has been moving away from toned, big-breasted, blonde bimbos for a while now. Porn is trending towards “amateur” girls-next-door and the personal cam-girl business model. Even the higher-end prostitution model is moving away from simple paid sex to the girlfriend experience.
Men’s fantasies are orienting less towards hot sex with unattainable bombshells and more towards intimacy with a normally pretty, seemingly attainable girl. The competition, if it exists, is not over just the penis, but over the heart as well. Which brings us back to the point made on the first assumption. Women can compete on a lot more than just being hot, and if not being “perfectly-toned” disqualifies them, then they are lacking feminine virtue that would make them marriageable in the first place.
Finally, while no women can be “perfectly undemanding”, their demands can be reasonable and in line with what they bring to the table. Porn demands nothing, but it also gives very little: temporary, unfulfilling sexual release. As partially listed above, there is a voluminous list of things a woman can bring to the table that porn simply can not do. With the amount extra they can provide a man, they can easily demand a reasonable amount. If they disincentivize themselves out of the marriage market by being too demanding (or more accurately, too demanding in the wrong areas) to such an extent that porn, with the primary virtue of being “undemanding”, can compete and win against them, they are, again, lacking the feminine virtues which would make them marriageable.
All this too say, porn is degenerate and a blight on modern society, but the thought that real women are in competition with it bears little resemblence to reality. If women are losing to porn, it is not porn that is beating them, but themselves. The only way the vast majority of real woman can possibly lose to porn to the vast majority of men (ie. those who are not the small portion who are porn addicts), is because they have abandoned the feminine virtues that would make men desire them more than hollow masturbation and pictures on a screen.
Porn is a vastly inferior substitute good for sex. Women have a strong advantage in attracting men unless they price themselves out of the market or abandon the virtues that would make them marriageable in the first place.
In porn, men seek what they cannot have in real life. It used to be really hot women, multiple women or really weird sex. Now, according to your article, it is an average, nice girl who likes you.
In even more depressing news, an increasingly popular type of porn in Japan is married couples who have normal sex in their own bedroom. Think about the implications of that.
It is an indictment on the mainstream “conservative” and “Christian” publishing industry that this article, which features on a mere blog, is at least dozen time more insightful that the one printed on an established print journal of prestige.
I sometimes think of the unnatural effect of modern society, it was the 9-17 workday and mass education that broke up families, before that children and parents were together all the time.
The boomers are unable to understand how dysfunctional the relations between the sexes have become for the millennials. They just can’t relate because they can’t imagine that it has possibly changed because modern society was founded upon the revelations of the 1960s.
Submission is sexy. A submissive wife is sexy to her husband. My wife tells me that she belongs to me, that I own her. The hebrew word for husband in Proverbs 31 is “Lord”, or “Master”.
Are they saying women are entitled to sex? Sounds rapey. Men needing to compete with Big Daddy government for women is something never brought up in the mainstream, the English government even opened a sperm bank for single women and female pairs
So if we are going to criticize porn, when can we ban romance novels? Ever flipped or skimmed through one? Talk about unrealistic. Women buy most of them and it is over a $1 billion per year market (still small compared to porn).
I’ve had girlfriends over the years. A couple would suggest we watch porn and neither of us were exactly super models. I’d prefer real sex myself. I think some men watch just to be reminded of what they are missing or would like to have.
I am a conservative Christian male. I believe in old fashioned, wifely submission. I am trapped in a marriage with an unattractive, contentious, stealth feminist wife (i.e. a bitch on wheels). I get only P in V, vanilla, starfish sex on an irregular basis. I refuse to divorce her (I think it highly likely that she may someday divorce me). If it happens, living by myself and having a high quality masturbation aid sounds like a desirable alternative . After so many years of abuse my conscience just finds it difficult to get very aroused over the subject.
The whole argument “women competing with porn” is nothing more than a big control issue. Women in general and feminists in particular are very interested in controlling men, and sex is a very useful tool for that control. It’s even more useful as a weapon to punish with, and of course the “porn use = adultery” game provides even more punishment possibilities via frivorce.
A Christian man is restricted in sexual outlet to his one wife. Adultery is a sin. Actions that encourage others to sin are also sinful. Therefore, sexual refusal by a wife is sin, and arguably a violation of the marriage covenant just as serious as an affair would be.
These Churchians are just conservative feminists.
PS: Romance novels are not about romance, they are porn just as much as 50 Shades of Grey is porn. The fact that they are written words rather than moving pictures is just a detail. So we see that the Christians are actually opposed to male porn use, while winking at female porn use. This is called “hypocrisy” and it used to be considered a bad thing in most churches.
Or to put it more bluntly:
Far too many Christian women give their husbands the following choice:
A. Total sexual and emotional frustration
B. Masturbation to porn
C. Adultery
Therefore the ongoing push to equate porn use with adultery, in order to force married men into the “involuntary celibate” status once the oh so Christian wife has born the number of children she wants.
This is the Female Imperative at work, and not a single church dares to stand up to it.
There is no incentive for a man to marry anymore. A wife to be proud of? Odds are that she’s in open competition with you for status and won’t submit. Kids? Odds are she’s going to take them away. Sex? When she’s in the mood *maybe*.
Throw in the fact that she’s likely to start the process of taking everything away from you including future earnings, time with your kids and beat you in mental submission through counseling and the like? Why would you want to? I say this as a Christian man who’d been engaged 4 times before answering Christ. Now I just don’t care anymore.
Look at the porn as it migrates to a sense of “normalcy in its offerings” as catering to betas who would grow up with a reasonable expectation of marrying a hard 5 or 6, or a worn out 7-8, years ago now being shut out totally.
Let’s turn the question around. A woman has a voice, a personality, soft hair, skin that smells like a woman. She has soft yielding flesh, she is real, she can respond, she can appreciate, and tell her man what gives her pleasure, and make him feel respected and appreciated.
Porn is just a bunch of ink dots on paper, or flickering pixels on a computer screen. With all the advantages a woman has over porn, why would a man, especially a husband, use porn? Is there something wrong or lacking in women these days?
Porn doesn’t show contempt.
Today’s young men have had nothing but TV shows, and commercials that show husbands and fathers as incompetent, and laughable buffoons. Let’s not get into the primary and secondary education systems’ war on boys. The young men of today seem to have no examples, no inspiring stories of how to be a man, how to be a husband, how to be a father.
There are precious few sources of praise and respect for a young man who assumes the risks and responsibilities of marriage and fatherhood.
Can any of the commenters on this string link to a Christian or secular article that offers praise and respect to husbands and fathers?
Good post. I fully agree: porn is a terrible thing and men should reject it, but when it comes to the breakdown of relations between the sexes, porn is a symptom not a cause. It’s complete BS to suggest that porn is somehow too appealing for real women to compete with. Frankly it sounds like a line for fat women to rationalize their situation: “there’s no point trying to look good, since I’ll never look as perfect as a porn star”. Take any average marriage-age woman off the street, get her to a healthy weight, give her a nice feminine hairstyle and clothes, and just try to tell me that an average guy would really rather jerk off to Pornhub than have actual PIV sex with her. Not a chance.
You also make good points about intangible qualities. I would say (and I bet most men would agree) that the most attractive women I’ve known were not necessarily the physically hottest. Sure they looked pretty good, but they also had sweet, bubbly, feminine personalities and seemed to genuinely like people. A woman like that is a joy to be around and inspires powerful loyalty, even if she’s only like a 7/10 tops. But as you say, too many women ruin themselves trying to be knockoff versions of men instead of embracing their femininity. As Trump would say: Sad!
Porn is not the problem. Porn is a symptom.
Lack of virtue in women amounts to disgustingness, in men it amounts to cowardice.
A.J.P.
Superb article, and entirely accurate. I’d say Feminism, in supposedly seeking to liberate women from being ‘sex objects’ has made them precisely that because they have effectively purged Modern women of all of the other beautiful qualities that attract men. Yet another negative influence on the decaying sexual economy.
Correct Mark
With the old script women could out compete porn
Now? Not so much. Feminism and modern life have removed all value from women besides sex
I was having this very discussion with a feminist on a message board. All the feminine things that women used to bring to the table are now looked down upon as “subservient”.
Feminism and modern life have removed all value from women besides sex
Even the “sex” value is both overrated and generally of very short shelf life, as witnessed by the epidemic of dead-bedroom marriages. Add to this mix the repulsive personalities that feminism has instilled in today’s western women, and it’s no wonder that they can’t even pass themselves off as cum dumpsters.
A choice between a pretty and pleasant collection of sexy pixels, or an arrogant flesh-and-blood penis-less man with a toxic attitude?
Pretty easy to see which one is the winning choice and why.
What if a woman is undemanding, ready willing & able to have sex & her man would still rather live in porn? You act like it’s the womans fault . You are an idiot! Not every woman is into the feminist shit. Most women want to be loved and be made to feel special. Then when their husbands are hiding the porn use and are found out they blame the woman. If the women watch it they are dirty bitches and accused of everything from liking big dicks to having affairs! You want to know something most of you men are just whore hounds. You really don’t give a shit if you hurt the woman in your life. By watching porn all the time you and society make a woman feel like a piece of shit because she can’t live up to youe expectations!
Sth txs asks if we are going to criticise pirn when are we going to ban romance novels
The major difference being that most romance novels focus on love and the characters sharing intimacy whereas most porn focuses on calling women wh..red, c…ts , spitting on them and having them penetrated in every orifice often showing pain
Seems women are interested in reading about romance and love and men are interested in seeing women hurt and abused
No comparison whatsoever
The sad fact is that many men hate women and get sexually aroused through seeing them degraded